Commitment and All That Crap

"Are you on any new medications?" the hygienist asked as she poked at my teeth with the Torture Device. "Your tissue is puffy."

"Nope, same thing as before."

"Really stressed?"

Some women talk to their manicurists about the issues in their lives. I talk to my dental hygienist. "I guess maybe...maybe I'm a little stressed..."



Apparently, stress can mess up your tissues! I did not know this. On paper it makes sense, as stress can knock out a period easily enough, and make your face break out, give you heartburn, kill your sex drive, and eat your brain, so...it stands to reason that puffing up your gums isn't out of the question. But I never connected the two.

This in no way brings me to my actual subject for this entry, which is closer examination of one of my many issues.

I have a hard time accepting commitment.

I have a hard time believing people want to know me, or be with me.

It makes it easy for me to keep my distance in relationships. Which isn't a great idea, if it's someone you like and actually want to be in a relationship with. Makes things awkward.

As an example, during the summer...I had been dating my last boyfriend for several months. I invited him to my brother's college graduation party, and he accepted. The week before it happened, he mentioned his landlord gave him the go-ahead to move in on the date of the party.

Here's where it gets weird.

He and I were fairly serious at that point. But rather than tell him hey, it's the party...I figured he knew, and it wasn't important to him, and therefore we weren't really serious. And got all upset over it.

Strange train of thought when I look at it.

I left it alone and decided I'd just go to the party myself.

An hour later he texted me, remembering that the party was that day and he'd move in later.

I was so happy he'd remembered, but I'm still baffled by it. I guess I just never accepted that he felt things for me. That he thought it was important, that I was important. Like I said, it's a protective measure. And it damages things...like when he said "I'm going to travel here one day" - I I I, me me me, and I never once cut in and said what about me - just assumed he was going off on his own. That I didn't matter.

No wonder I'm breaking out. My stress hormones must be going bonkers.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I assume I'm not important to him. He does something I don't like. Wow, that jerk is using me. I am not important to him at all.

Thing is, I wish I was.

So I get upset.

This has gone on for...oh, since I dated in high school. So it's not a new thing. This is just the first time I've confronted it and said, "This is a big problem, I need to take steps to correct this."

I guess I could have said something. But I don't like being high maintenance. I don't like bringing crap up and discussing things, and feelings get involved and I inevitably end up crying. And I hate crying. It mucks up my brain. I don't want to be that girl.

I wonder if some of this comes from high school. I was mostly friends with boys at that point, and they'd bitch endlessly about their girlfriends to me. "She thinks I don't make time for her" "She wants to see me after each class" whine whine whine. Of course, then we'd all hang out and I'd look at the girlfriends in question and think whine, nag, nag.

I think I may have subconsciously taken notes so I wouldn't be that girl the boyfriend bitches to his friends about.

Or maybe I'm just not good with relationships.

I analyze it because I got bailed on tonight, and since I had already decided the person didn't want to see me, the bailing just...confirmed it for me.

Which, as L would say, is very in the box.

So after my initial reaction ("He didn't want to see me anyway! I'm never talking to him again.") I thought, well, maybe he was busy and he'll reschedule. Emphasis is on him, though, as I'm not picking out another playdate.

Oh. Yeah, I'm talking about the former boyfriend, in case there was any doubt. I decided to do something about missing him and invited him to hang out for a bit. Not necessarily Talk About Important Stuff, but...just see him. Those who know me know this was quite ballsy of me. And he accepted, and even touched base with me before I left work about it. Logically, if he didn't want to see me I'd like to think he wouldn't agree to come over.

But as we can see, my brain is not always a logical place.

I am trying to catapult the issues I had in this relationship into something I can work from, as some of these issues have dogged me through my dating campaign. The problem is, there isn't some hard/fast (that's what she said) way to...what? Revamp my self-esteem to the point where I think I'm worth dating? I don't even know how I'd begin to accomplish it, or if that's the actual problem.

Again, this is not the happy bubbly positivity, but it's honesty and some self-exploration, which is fitting for tonight. And it's saying things that should be said. Not keeping them inside. So I count this as a step forward.

I wish I knew the root of this stuff. I think that would make it easier to tackle these problems. I dunno. Sometimes I think I went to a lot of therapy to get rid of problems like this, why do I still have them?

"Why would he want to see me?" - well, the answer to that should be "because I'm awesome," but...I apparently think I'm inherently unappealing. Although with my skin the way it is right now, it's probably best that no one sees me. Ever. I think I've also got a mild fever, which is not making me happy.

I think this is a night where I will turn in early, get a good night's sleep for the first time in over a week, and just...rest.