A Little Off

Well, I'm home, ready for my first night on my own.

Made it home in about an hour (don't tell CHP), made my bed, showered, and now I'm steeping some Happy Tea and watching Sister Wives while the heater hums in the background.

This is my place.

I packed up in SD, bade the folks farewell, came up here. Came home.

I'm happy tonight. But I can't say there isn't something missing.

I still miss him. Maybe that will go on for awhile.

I read White Oleander while I was at my folks, which spurred one of my new goals - read again! (Not that I ever really stopped, on purpose, but things get in the way and reading, much like my writing, fell by the wayside. No more! I read two books in three days in SD. Let us continue this trend.)

Back on subject. Something that moved me about White Oleander was how the protagonist (well, the author) articulated pain. Pain of loss. She went on to describe the things we want to say and do, and don't, for whatever reason. Usually pride, or some idea that we deserve pain.

That's my roundabout way of saying I could text him and say, I miss you, but...am not.

Not right now.

My reasoning? I could say it, and he could respond to it favorably ("I miss you, too") and then I'm forced to confront it and maybe do something about it, or he could respond poorly ("Screw you, Suz") and then I'll be miserable all over again.

It's that quandary I don't want to address.

I made some tea. I'm sitting here on the couch with the tea, jalapeno jelly and cream cheese on Wheat Thins, and none of it really goes, yet...it works.

This sort of ache is different from the last ones. It's definitely a void, where he used to be and where he isn't. It's not like we're completely out of contact, it's just...he's not here, and that still feels somehow wrong.

I know time heals all wounds and I will be fine.

Tonight, though, something just feels a little off.

Still. Happy to be here. Mom and I hung some pictures before we left on Thursday night. I bought a windchime at one of the antique stores and put that up, too. So the white walls are starting to ease off, although I still have lots of blank space to fill in. But that'll happen with time.

Just learned the insult "muff cabbage" on South Park. I feel at peace with the world again.