Growing Up

I had a horrid dream last night. I was hanging out with a few friends, and TC showed up with some new friends (who were definitely miscreants) and they started stealing my stuff. I asked him why he was being so cold -- in this dream we were still together -- and he said I was too clingy and a bitch.

Now, logically, I'm the antithesis of clingy. Boys have commented on that. But I fear the label of clingy. I yelled at him and left; later in the dream, Mom and I were at the mall and he confronted my mother, saying if I wanted to break things off, I should face him and say so. There was also a big hubbub about getting sacked from Demand for sucking. Basically an absolute clusterfuck of a dream.

Lindz analyzed this -- she being the dream guru -- and said it represents many fears (fear of losing among them). Calling my mother into the dream was essentially "calling for backup" because poor little dream-me felt overwhelmed.

Long story short...

Obviously, TC is still an issue. And I think that issue is holding me back from moving on.

I was fine most of January. Then we went out. I felt a little odd after that, but mostly OK. Then the friend's birthday, and...well, hell, it was pretty much the anniversary of our meeting, and in three more days it would have been a year. I had a blast at the party, but felt so...heavy...afterwards.

I wonder if it means something, that I've never trusted my boyfriends in my dreams. My subconscious has always expected them to stab me in the back or make me cry or do something similarly repugnant, and I wonder if that influenced how I handled various relationships.

"It might be time to stop seeing him," Potato said gently.

I know it is. This quaint little friendship he's trying to cultivate won't work for me. I loved him too much for that.

I feel like kind of a sucker admitting that. I do. I don't know why. It's probably similar to why I hated admitting I'd written a romance novel, no matter how much I loved the story. Maybe it's pride; he didn't love me, so admitting I loved him is like...losing face.

I'm pretty sure that's something Great Leader tried to train out of us, but old habits die hard.

So I guess that's that. It'll suck to not see him. I enjoy his company. He makes me laugh, even now. But I really, really need to do what's best for me, and being friends with him is...it's bad for me, right now.

Is this growing up? I don't like it.