More Deep Thoughts

At the risk of turning this into a mushfest, my elevated caffeination has granted me some accidental, purely temporary depth and insight.

I was watching Jerseyliscious last night, purely by accident – their hair and overdone eye makeup, along with the accents, fascinate me. (Surfer Dude claims they’re in the hick part of Jersey, i.e. we’re basically watching rednecks prancing around. Surfer Dude is from Jerz, so I accept this explanation.) And these two…characters…(far too entertaining to be “people”) worked out their relationship troubles by acknowledging that they could work on things, and that things were better when then they were together. It was the sort of reconciliation I never really allow myself to fantasize about.

“What will you say to him?” the girls wondered, when I volunteered that my limbo buddy and I might make dinner this week (his suggestion). And I don’t know. As far as character types go, I’m a Scriptwriter; I like to know what I’m going to say, craft an epic speech along the lines of Grey’s Anatomy or some other angst-filled program. I also like to imagine what the other person will say, and as I am constantly preparing for worst-case scenarios (i.e. zombie infestation), it usually ends badly in my head, and I am already thinking of cool ways to extract myself from situation gone horribly wrong.

...no wonder I'm tired a lot. That thought process takes a lot.

I waited for trouble in this relationship. I never got comfortable…mostly because, I think, I feared he was using me as a resting point until he could head off on a global jaunt. I kept expecting him to realize he was bored with me and fly far, far away.

(Ironically, he once told me he was expecting me to do the same thing to him. I could have springboarded it into a Great Bonding Moment, but instead I tried to be cool and just smiled coyly.)

And so, at the first sign of such a thing – which might have been an innocent slip of the tongue – I pounced, and the doubt was planted, and then, as the Box works, I saw him that way no matter what he did.

Great Leader would be disappointed in me, I think.

Sigh.

A more sensible version of myself would have spoken to him earlier, discussed things. I didn’t, telling myself he had his own worries to deal with – that I was small fries to him anyway, so who cared?

I know now why I didn’t talk to him earlier. Because I was afraid I’d get that negative answer, the one I didn't want, and then I’d have to let him go. There would be no choice in the matter. And this was not acceptable, as I did not want to let him go.

It did not occur to me that it was something that could be fixed.

So it spiraled down, and when I did finally grow enough of a pair to speak up, the answer was not a good one, and I panicked and chopped it off.

Was this the right decision? I don’t know. I know I had to speak up and say something and DO something about this, although I will forever wish I’d done so earlier. So I guess I don’t regret it, in that sense. I guess the big question here, really, is do we like and miss each other enough to give it another go? Do we even want to? Maybe I'm kidding myself and the conversation won't even come up, and we're just awkward text buddies now.

I am far more comfortable when I’m not in a relationship. I’ve realized that. With that said, I miss him…I miss him a lot more than I’ve missed the others, and the idea of NOT having him in my life in some capacity is just – it’s weird to think about. Maybe giving it another try might be better than…this wondering.

Or maybe it wouldn’t. I don’t know.

This in no way assists me in writing out a big speech, but I guess it’s good to have these thoughts on paper. I mean, I guess I could read this aloud to him, but that almost seems too cheesy + information overload.

In the meantime, I’m still buzzing and I can’t stop. I hope this stuff wears off before I go to bed…