Vulnerability

There was a SigAlert this morning. Red sedan vs dark pick-up truck. The sedan was turned out blocking the carpool lane; the pick up was one of those giant, four-door cabs that really shouldn't exist. I think a third car got involved via rubbernecking. This stopped up the 55 for a good long while; I came into work late, left late, and generally felt off for the vast majority of the day.

And then we had class.

I think one of the scariest and most interesting things I've gotten out of this class is that I'm forced to examine my own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. This is partially through self-defense, but also through the mental aspect of it. I've had a vague awareness of the mental aspect (well - more than vague, as this blog attests), but the physical...hmm, how to describe the physical?

The self-defense portion has been difficult for me, because I'm not a physical person. I like the kicks and the punches, but today we were learning elbowing, leaning into the punching bag (and the person behind it) - you have to get in pretty close to use the elbow effectively. Great Leader had her Male Consort assist by holding the bag so she could help me with my form.

I tried to take shots from a distance.

I've realized I do this with a lot of the close-contact things. I try to stay away, to just punch with my arms when I really should be throwing my weight behind these shoves. And it is very, very hard for me to close the gap. I finally had to settle for hopping forward. Still not very effective, but better than what I'd been doing.

I am not sure how to analyze this, save getting close to people physically - getting in peoples' faces - has always been something of a challenge to me. I like to keep my distance. I was aware of discomfort during our earlier sparring, but being unable to get up close to her Male Consort made me realize how uneasy I am about all this.

I am not sure why. It is something to ponder.

I will say this: it is very, very different sparring gently with the girls and then basically getting picked up by a dude. I guess it makes it more realistic. Also, unnerving. I am not a "big girl" by any means, but I tend to think I'm...not hefty, but solid, anyway? So when a guy not that much bigger than me is able to pick me up and swing me around, it's a big reality check.

This has only made me more determined to build my strength, so that kind of situation doesn't happen. Hell no, you ain't grabbin' me, a-hole. Watch me hammer-punch your groin and flip you over my shoulder.

Well, maybe flipping over the shoulder is a far-fetched dream. But one step at a time.