Big Stupid in Orange County

I tend to blame myself for things that aren't entirely my fault.

Actually, I don't even want to get into a long, drawn-out post about it. It's irritating enough to me that I'm in this position again, one I seem to get into frequently. Maybe the short of it is, I'm a better friend than girlfriend. That's entirely possible. But I guess I just got confused when we had, for all intents and purposes, a date, but he thinks it's a friend thing and I just....feel dumb that I even thought it was something else. Of course it wasn't! Silly, dumbass The Suz.

It's not even him, in the end. I mean, I'm sure he's some small aspect of it, but some of it is just jealousy. My girlfriends are either in solid relationships or have the ability to get a guy's interest with a snap of their fingers. I don't possess that magic ability, so I go for long droughts without so much as a date.

He's moved on. Why haven't I?

And moreover, why is it so goddamn easy for him to do it? Did I not mean that much?

Right now it's bleak outside. I'm feeling quite bleak myself. I'm sure most freelancers go through this from time to time. I've responded by posting a new ad on CL, and I'm going to work more on my website and writing tonight. But right now, it's that momentary...panic, I guess. I'm 27. I don't have anything. I'm in an apartment I somehow have to finance. My insurance, when I get it, is going to cost $$$ and won't pay for a damn thing. At a sleepover last night, we spent time talking to an 18-year-old who's got all of life ahead of him and yeah, some of that may have just been youthful bravado, but that was almost ten years ago for me. What have I got? A student loan I still haven't paid off (and won't, for a good while) and...

And what?

I feel like I should have done something by now. I'm not sure what, precisely, I should have done. I'm not expected to go slay dragons or anything. But I'm just floating along, doing...nothing.

I'm sure this minor panic attack will fade after a hot shower and a veggie burger, and I'll do some work and feel much better about everything.

I had a very lovely time with my girlfriends last night. I'm sad that I'm focusing on negative things right now, rather than how much fun we had. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's age.

Something has to change.