Business Phrases That Piss Me Off

While talking to Lindz about the various injustices still perpetuated in The Cesspit, I got to thinking about business lingo...and how much I despise it. I started writing it down as a joke, then...it got out of hand.

I guess you could also call this what they say...and what they mean.

• Reach out ("If you have any questions, please reach out to the nearest chainsaw")
• Touch base ("I'm going to touch base with the undead; I may be some time")
• Best practices ("It's against our best practices to make drunken phone calls from the company kitchen")
• On-campus ("You're being censured for being howling drunk on campus")
• Offline ("Can we talk about this offline? The rest of the meeting doesn't need to know about my campus drinking issue")
• Metrics ("The metrics aren't the point, as we don't use the metric system anyway")
• Transparent ("I'm sure you can see how transparent I am when I call you a bad apple to your face")
• Rock star ("When I said we wanted a rock star editor, I didn't mean dye your hair blue")
• Team ("I actually don't know your names and don't care...but at least I'm transparent about it")
• Fast-paced change ("We don't actually have time to train you")
• HR doesn't need to know ("I am so fired if they find out I did this to you; I hope you don't call my bluff")
• I respect you ("You fucking jackass")
• Shoot me an email ("I'll deal with this matter later, unless I forget...what were we talking about?")
• ASAP ("Why isn't this done yet?")

Got others?