Bubbly I'm Not

I'm usually a fan of rain, especially when I get to sit at home wrapped in a blanket and not actually have to go out and drive in it.

This rain, however, just goes and goes and goes. My street is flooded. I was going to pick up foodstuffs, but no way, not in this grossness. I'll probably stick it out until Monday or Tuesday, then just drive on down to San Diego to spend the holiday with family.

OKCupid turned out to be a short-lived venture. It just...it's too time-consuming. I don't want to sit around emailing people, and I'm not willing to prowl through profile after profile: "Well, this one's cute, uhm...this one's not...this guy's Republican..." You get the idea. The uproarious stories I was going to write on this blog will have to come from somewhere else.

Pouring rain again. It's dripping on my porches, pounding along the pavement.

I'm trying to be somewhat intelligent about all this. I may complain about being lonely. At the same time, I'm pretty sure being with someone on a long-term basis would make me just as grouchy - instead of "I'm lonely" it'd be "he won't go away." Maybe we really can't win in these kinds of things.

Well, by "we" I mean "me."

In the meantime, it's just me right now, listening to the rain.

"People tend to reflect on their lives during the holidays," Lindz remarked one day. She's right. I tend to get very introspective this time of year. I saw B and her hubby, and it was hard to walk away from bubbly happiness and chatter and go back to my empty apartment and just myself for company. I'm generally happy on my own, just...I dunno. I guess I'm tired of it.

As a longtime singleton and someone who's been single for the holidays for...well, my entire life, it was hard not to look at her happy life and wonder "Why can't I have that?" What is so hard about relationships that I fail at them so often?

But at the moment, I also feel like I have to focus on other things. Building a business. Keeping the apartment in order. Working. So maybe I've backed myself into a corner as far as entertainment and the quest for love goes. I don't stop thinking about it, but it's not something I can devote myself to, anyway, so....

Sigh. Back to work. I had a good spurt of articles this morning, but I've sent back the last seven or eight. Probably no writing tonight.